some thoughts on being a boy mom

2015-05-01_0002 When the ultrasound tech said, "congrats! You have a baby boy!" my world stopped for a moment. It was a mixture of shock and trepidation; I had truly believed it was a girl -- so much so that I almost bought a few girly onesies at a garage sale last weekend, so convinced was I that I was having a daughter. In addition to being surprised, I was a little nervous. I had never pictured starting motherhood with a son. It wasn't disappointment, which I've been trying (and failing) to explain. It truly wasn't. It was more like bewilderment. I couldn't, in that moment, envision what it'd be like to bond with a little baby boy. Of course, I know tons of moms of boys, and they all clearly have great relationships with their sons. But for 20 weeks, my mind had been filled with tea parties and sewing cute little rompers and dressing my little lady up in flower crowns and headbands, having a little mini-me sidekick. In one teeny, fleeting second all of that went out the window and I was staring up at my squirmy, wiggling, camera-shy son and wondering "what on earth are we going to do together? How on earth am I going to mother you?"

And in the very next second, I pictured Mary, the mother of Jesus. I wonder what she thought when the angel appeared and told her she'd be having a son. Of course, we all know of her great obedience and faith and her "yes" which resounded throughout the centuries and brought us our savior. But I wonder, did she worry about mothering a baby boy? Did she wonder how they'd bond, or how she'd do it? I'm so grateful to have her as an example of what mothering a son can and should look like; to have her gentle, grace filled parenting as a model for my own.

So many mamas have sent sweet texts and left comments this week, telling me how special it is to have your firstborn be a boy. Of course, I think a firstborn (and every single baby, whether it's the 1st or the 12th) is magical and special and completely perfect. But it's encouraging to hear from these seasoned boy moms how much they loved ushering in motherhood with a sweet little boy. I wonder how it must feel to be a son. Are they protective of their mamas? I like to think so. And it's fun to think about any future kids we might have, and how they're all going to have an older brother. I love having an older brother, and so many of my friends without older bros wish they had one.

And to be honest, a lot of my fear over having a little boy was so superficial. I told Matt in the car as we left the appointment, "but I'm not a tomboy! I like girly things. Pink may not be my favorite color, but I like to look pretty. I like painting my nails. I like to feel feminine. I don't want to be frumpy." And all he could do was laugh, and suddenly I was laughing too, at the silliness of it all. Because I know and admire from afar SO many hip and stylish and decidedly non-frumpy boy moms (like Gail and Hayley and Ruth) and having a son does not mean I have to throw my nail polish out the window. In fact, the more I've thought about it, the more excited I am to maintain my position as the only girl in the house ;) All these boys around to do the heavy lifting and protect me! Ha, just kidding. Well, kind of ;)

All this to say, I'm thrilled to be welcoming a son into our live. A son! It still feels crazy to say, or type, or see those words on a screen. I have a baby boy. He's real and he's alive and he's being perfectly formed by the Father, who destined exactly him for exactly us. Oh man, typing that brings tears to my eyes. I've been praying since the early weeks of this pregnancy for God to bring the exact right baby into our family, for the perfect little lady or guy who brings the exact right vibe. It's so cool to think that before I was even born, before my parents were even born, God knew. God knew I'd come to be, and that this baby boy would come to be, and that not only would He give me the gift of pregnancy and motherhood, He'd give me the gift of beginning this vocation with a baby boy to usher into this world, disciple and love. Oh, I am so grateful.

My house might never be clean again and I should probably get rid of everything white I own, but my heart is so full. A son! I can't wait to meet you, darling little boy. xoxo, your mama.

2015-05-01_0001

baby k: 10 weeks

Hi little love. You're 10 weeks along today--amazing! My pregnancy app tells me you're the size of a prune. A whole prune! I love that your tiny arms already bend at the elbow, and your heart is just hammering away in your little chest. I wonder who you're going to be. I wonder what your personality will be like. I wonder if you'll have blonde hair, like dad, or brown hair, like me? I wonder if you'll be super even keel, or have a temper (truly sorry in advance if you inherit that particular trait of mine.) It's starting to feel real, this fact of you. I think about future things, and can picture you there. For the record, I'm picturing you as a girl, so if you end up being a boy, sorry about that. I picture Halloween and pumpkins on the porch, and dressing you up as something ridiculously cute. It will be the smallest costume in the history of ever, for our teeny not-even-two-month-old. And I picture Christmas, and our first Christmas together as a family of four (Scout totally counts, and we're hoping with all hope that he loves you as much as we do!)

Sometimes when I'm getting dressed, I look down at that teeny growing bump, and it hits me all over again. You're really in there. Nestled in your cocoon, safe from the world. And while we're so excited to meet you and hold you, it's terrifying, too. Terrifying to think of bringing a precious little baby into this world, with all its terror and hate. Sometimes my breath catches, just thinking about all the things that can go wrong, now and forever. I think maybe this is what it feels like to be a mama; to feel so powerless about all the things that might happen, and to have to totally and completely rely on Jesus' strength and trust in His will for your life.

I think often about Mary, and how she experienced this very thing. She, too, was once 10 weeks along. I wonder if she felt the same feelings, if mamas of babies since the beginning of time have felt these feelings. Excitement, anxiety, nervousness, thrills, and complete, obliterating, all-consuming love and awe at what's taking place. I wonder if she thought about what kind of mom she would be. I think about it, too. Am I going to yell? Probably. But I hope to hug more than I yell. Am I going to freak out about my house being a mess constantly? Probably. But I hope to give myself grace to let it go, and read to you instead. Speaking of reading to you, we've already started! You can't tell yet, but sometime soon you'll recognize our voices. I read "Paddington Bear" to you, and dad read you "The Three Little Javalinas" which is way better than the Three Little Pigs. Someday we'll take you to Arizona, and then you'll understand what a javelina is. We have a whole huge bookshelf of books that I can't wait to share with you. I pray a lot of big prayers for you, but I pray some little ones too. "Lord, please make them a reader!"

Another week closer to meeting you, little muffin. It's crazy to think we're already a quarter of the way through. You're so teeny, and yet the mark you've already made on my life is so huge. You made a me a mom. I'm grateful every day.

xoxo,

your mama