When the ultrasound tech said, "congrats! You have a baby boy!" my world stopped for a moment. It was a mixture of shock and trepidation; I had truly believed it was a girl -- so much so that I almost bought a few girly onesies at a garage sale last weekend, so convinced was I that I was having a daughter. In addition to being surprised, I was a little nervous. I had never pictured starting motherhood with a son. It wasn't disappointment, which I've been trying (and failing) to explain. It truly wasn't. It was more like bewilderment. I couldn't, in that moment, envision what it'd be like to bond with a little baby boy. Of course, I know tons of moms of boys, and they all clearly have great relationships with their sons. But for 20 weeks, my mind had been filled with tea parties and sewing cute little rompers and dressing my little lady up in flower crowns and headbands, having a little mini-me sidekick. In one teeny, fleeting second all of that went out the window and I was staring up at my squirmy, wiggling, camera-shy son and wondering "what on earth are we going to do together? How on earth am I going to mother you?"
And in the very next second, I pictured Mary, the mother of Jesus. I wonder what she thought when the angel appeared and told her she'd be having a son. Of course, we all know of her great obedience and faith and her "yes" which resounded throughout the centuries and brought us our savior. But I wonder, did she worry about mothering a baby boy? Did she wonder how they'd bond, or how she'd do it? I'm so grateful to have her as an example of what mothering a son can and should look like; to have her gentle, grace filled parenting as a model for my own.
So many mamas have sent sweet texts and left comments this week, telling me how special it is to have your firstborn be a boy. Of course, I think a firstborn (and every single baby, whether it's the 1st or the 12th) is magical and special and completely perfect. But it's encouraging to hear from these seasoned boy moms how much they loved ushering in motherhood with a sweet little boy. I wonder how it must feel to be a son. Are they protective of their mamas? I like to think so. And it's fun to think about any future kids we might have, and how they're all going to have an older brother. I love having an older brother, and so many of my friends without older bros wish they had one.
And to be honest, a lot of my fear over having a little boy was so superficial. I told Matt in the car as we left the appointment, "but I'm not a tomboy! I like girly things. Pink may not be my favorite color, but I like to look pretty. I like painting my nails. I like to feel feminine. I don't want to be frumpy." And all he could do was laugh, and suddenly I was laughing too, at the silliness of it all. Because I know and admire from afar SO many hip and stylish and decidedly non-frumpy boy moms (like Gail and Hayley and Ruth) and having a son does not mean I have to throw my nail polish out the window. In fact, the more I've thought about it, the more excited I am to maintain my position as the only girl in the house ;) All these boys around to do the heavy lifting and protect me! Ha, just kidding. Well, kind of ;)
All this to say, I'm thrilled to be welcoming a son into our live. A son! It still feels crazy to say, or type, or see those words on a screen. I have a baby boy. He's real and he's alive and he's being perfectly formed by the Father, who destined exactly him for exactly us. Oh man, typing that brings tears to my eyes. I've been praying since the early weeks of this pregnancy for God to bring the exact right baby into our family, for the perfect little lady or guy who brings the exact right vibe. It's so cool to think that before I was even born, before my parents were even born, God knew. God knew I'd come to be, and that this baby boy would come to be, and that not only would He give me the gift of pregnancy and motherhood, He'd give me the gift of beginning this vocation with a baby boy to usher into this world, disciple and love. Oh, I am so grateful.
My house might never be clean again and I should probably get rid of everything white I own, but my heart is so full. A son! I can't wait to meet you, darling little boy. xoxo, your mama.